I got into a deep conversation with a new found friend. It’s ironic how the topic at hand was romantic relationships. I am a very guarded person these days, so I never intended for the conversation to go in this direction. Especially with someone new.
I had no intention of talking about you, why would I? But she got right into what I was trying so hard to dismiss. So I told her about you. Her final question? “If you had the ability, would you change your current romantic situation to include him again?”. I think she thought she knew the answer.
No. Because the fact is that everything I have been through has put me right where I am today, and I like where I am. That relationship taught me what I deserve, what I should stand for, and what I will not settle for. It showed me what I am willing to compromise on, how deeply and honestly I love, but it also showed me that love hurts and being vulnerable is scary. We weren’t growing together at that point, even though I wanted to. I really believed he was my forever, I was wrong. I was hurting almost everyday when he came back from being away, and he didn’t notice. He didn’t even seem to care. I felt alone. He was a stranger, not the guy I loved. And honestly, I would be betraying myself if I would just invite him back into my life again. I would be betraying my progress as a person. I would also be accepting all that he has done to me. If this was back in June, I would have taken him back in a heartbeat, but I’m not the same girl I was back then. She is gone. Destroyed by the past and I’ll never be that girl again. But that’s not entirely a bad thing. I am stronger. I am more resilient. I am more in-tune with myself. I am me, unapologetically and without reserve. Do I want him back in my life? Not in this moment, but I might consider future possibilities. But it would need to be a time where him and I could grow only through friendship. Starting a friendship now would be toxic, we would be like venom to each other. I still have moments when I resent him to be honest. What he did to me in October 2018 just confirmed my resentment. Yes, you heard that correctly..we ended in June/July 2018 and he reached out to me in October. He even told me he forgot my birthday…like really? That just put me back into that feeling of alone. How do you forget that? Did I really ever mean anything to him? What was once love is now just completely…questionable? I still care about him, but not to the degree I once did. The fact is, he choose someone else over me. He moved on extremely fast. It makes a person think. I thought I forgave him, but the reality is that I didn’t. I only told him that I forgave him so that he could continue to move forward without hurting. Why? I don’t know. I guess thats the type of person I am. I still put him ahead of my own self, but that has stopped. I just don’t trust him like I used to. But I trust me. And in this moment, I choose myself…
As soon as I finished my answer, she looked me dead in the eyes, and just said “Girl…You’re very self aware. You are so much stronger then you think you are. I’m being honest. Not a lot of people can go through what you did and handle it like you did. You’re a really strong person, Natalie, and that’s really admirable. I mean it. Like you are really inspiring and so strong. You deserve much more then that and I’m excited to see who comes your way. I’m just…wow”
In that instance, something changed. A sort of recognition. The past was in the past. Sure, I think about him sometimes. If I know him, and I think I do, he thinks about me as well, he might even miss me. Who knows, maybe I’m being conceded. But we have both moved on and that’s just how life goes.
Sometimes the pain is still there, but time will heal it completely. I remind myself that I love the memories and the idea of a person that just doesn’t exist anymore. I have forgotten the colour of his eyes the same way he has forgotten mine. My mind goes blank when I try to remember his smile or recall his laugh. He is fading. The most important part? I can taste freedom